Confessions of a Missionary

From a missionary and close friend of mine in West Africa.

For a long time now, I have been working together with my wife in West Africa. We live in one of the poorest countries in the world, one that has seen little development in recent decades. The current military government is unstable, and the country is affected by terrorism. In addition to the constant heat, many people suffer from poverty and hunger. These are just some of the challenges that we face day by day. But right now — as I write these lines — I am sitting in a very comfortable armchair in Europe. It is pleasantly cool, and I am reflecting on what God has been teaching me through all this recently. Many topics pop up in my mind — topics I have by no means fully worked through and that raise more questions than answers.

Despite that, I would still like to share with you a theme that influences many of these questions and topics: "a blind spot” the Lord has been correcting, transforming, and teaching me to recognize. I have the privilege of working with people from several and very different cultures. The

way they behave, think, work and live is very different. And while the circumstances in our

country are truly difficult, I can testify that the most difficult part of my work is usually the

people themselves. It is not the heat, the poverty or the disorganization, that is hard to bear,

but often people with their different perspectives, characters and cultures.

And for some time already, I had realized that…

• I often became very impatient with those around me when they did things differently than I did or more slowly than I expected.

• I was often internally angry and even offended by the mistakes, weaknesses, or peculiarities of others. I placed myself above them and judged them.

• I couldn't forgive myself and found it difficult to accept my mistakes.

• I worked very hard to ultimately prove something to myself and to those around me.

I worked much for the Kingdom of God, but often without joy — with a hard heart, frustration, and anger.

And God showed me that the reason for all this was located neither in my fellow human

beings nor in the difficult circumstances, but in myself. I had a proud heart! All my

sacrifice and devotion to God as well as many of my relationships with people were

governed by pride. The worst part was that it was invisible to those around me, and even

quite pleasant to myself, as it lifted me up, exalting me above others! Pride is inconspicuous and flatters us. But pride is the sin into which Satan himself fell (1Tim. 3:6 NIV/NKJV), and it has catastrophic consequences. For ultimately, pride denies the thoroughly sinful nature of human beings and the greatness, love, and grace of God! When Jesus was on this earth, His problem wasn't the sinners, adulterers or the tax collectors - after all, He had come for them!

No, the problem was those who believed they no longer needed his grace, who thought

they were better than the others. Jesus' problem was not the sinners that knew about their

sin, but the proud and self-righteous Pharisees. And I realized that I was in the same category.

I had to repent, and God had to change my heart. It is a long process which is definitely not

finished. It hurts and is hard. But as I sit in my chair, one thing becomes very clear to me:

• No, I am no longer surprised at how many mistakes I make, how deficient and

sinful I am.

• I am no longer annoyed by the weaknesses, shortcomings and sins of myself and

those around me, no longer frustrated by our laziness, lack of love and lack of faith.

• I am also no longer surprised that I keep falling into the same traps, how lazy and

slow I am to learn, how much my heart twists and turns around God's school.

No, I am just amazed by one thing: By God’s grace! That with everything that is revealed

in my heart, God's grace is new every morning! That He is and remains gracious despite

my confused heart, despite my sin and my weakness. He, who is the ruler of the heavens and earths; He, who determines the end from the beginning and who sets up and deposes kings – He is a gracious God. No, he is not proud, but gentle and lowly in heart (Matthew 11:29).

The realization of this grace makes me humble; it removes all pride and allows me to truly love:

• To love my heavenly Father, who gave himself for me, because he knew, that I was

a sinner

• To love the people around me, my brothers and sisters - who are sinners and full of

mistakes – like me

• And to love and accept myself as a beloved child of God, bought by His grace. We usually cannot change the circumstances around us, the world in which we live. We cannot push aside the people, cultures, and character. But we can and must take care of our own hearts and how they react towards these people and circumstances. We have to make sure, that pride does not take over, but that God's grace rules and shines over our lives.

We usually cannot change the circumstances around us, the world in which we live. We cannot push aside the people, cultures, and character. But we can and must take care of our own hearts and how they react towards these people and circumstances.

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:22-23